Changes, by Yuletta

My heart began to beat like a drum roll as I took baby steps to my destination. I couldn’t believe this. I felt like my life was coming to an end. Every step that I took was a step that I wanted to take back. I felt my heart in my throat as I begin to swallow. A long tear rolled down my face as I briefly closed my eyes. I begin to pray, hoping this was just a wicked nightmare. As I opened my eyes, I saw two policemen talking amongst themselves. Panicking, I ran over to them, pleading for an explanation. One of the men grabbed a hold of my arm and began to stir me in a certain direction. At that moment, I felt like an infant. Hopeless, desperate, confused, and lonely. My stomach began to do cartwheels, and I felt like I was going to vomit. As we got closer, I resisted. A part of me wanted to let go and run. But another part me wanted to get closer. I need to know that it wasn’t true. It’s not him.

As we became even closer, I knew. I noticed the little fingers and the black converse shoes. The tears begin to flow like a stream, but no words or noises came from my mouth. The policeman looked at me as he slowly pulled back the white sheet. His face was revealed. My heart sunk as I dropped to my knees and began to weep. My body began to shake. I felt like I was hyperventilating, as my body heaved up and down as I cried. I buried my face in the cape of his neck. This can’t be true. Not him! What did I do wrong? Nothing or nobody could convince me of anything right now. I was so caught up. I was so caught up, I didn’t even hear the police talking behind me. I was so caught up, I didn’t realize I was being lifted from the ground. I began to scream and move my body violently, fighting at anyone who came after me. I watched as he pulled the cover back over his body. I watched as they lifted his lifeless body and put him on stretchers. I watched as they took him. My life, my son.

It has been three years since my son’s death. I’ve never thought I’d over come that day, month, and the years. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. It took awhile, but I’m actually learning how to deal with his death. I realized that sitting here, being angry and depressed, wasn’t going to take the pain away. It wasn’t going to bring him back. I realized that I needed to get my mind focused on something else. I didn’t know what else to do so I decided to go to college. I’m still young so I figured that it wouldn’t matter. I’m studying the field of Criminal Justice. My son was killed by a hit and run driver and has never been caught. Justice hasn’t served its purpose yet and I’m determined to make a difference. I-

“Danielle!”

I quickly snapped out of my daze when I heard my name. I looked up and saw my best friend standing above me. I smiled and gathered my papers.

“Hey girl, what’s up?” I asked as I stood and grabbed my purse.

“Nothing girl. Are you ready for some lunch?” she asked as she held the door open for me. We walked out and began to walk across the street to our favorite restaurant. As we were walking, I noticed a little girl crossing the street, without her parents. I frowned as I wondered “where are her parents?” As I began to get Alicia’s attention, a car came zooming by. I instantly lost my breath. The little girl turned around just as the car came to a holt. I clenched my chest and sighed deeply, silently thanking God.

“Come on girl, let’s go.” Alicia said as she grabbed my wrist. We walked inside o the restaurant and seated ourselves.

“Are you okay D?”

“Yes. It’s just . . . you know.” I said as I glanced down briefly.

“Yeah, I know. D, you are so strong. I look up to you girl! I mean . . . I don’t see how you can do this.”

“Do what?” I took a sip of my water.

“Being patient. D, it has been three years since De’Shawn’s death and his killer hasn’t been caught yet. I mean if I was you, GIRL I would’ve flipped!”

“I did.” I quickly said.

“I mean yeah, I know. But I still would be flipping!”

We laughed. I loved this girl.

“I did Alicia. You were there. You know I was out of it for awhile. There’s just a point of time when you have to accept things. Deep down inside do I want to kill that person? Yes! But I can’t sit here and be angry at the world when I can be doing something about it.”

“I feel you girl. I know De’Shawn is looking down on his mommy AND his God mommy,” I smiled and giggled “I’m proud of you D. I love you girl.”

“I love you too girl.”